Sunday, November 22, 2009

A Cranky Entry

Well, this weekend was pretty much a waste.

By Friday, I just couldn't take it anymore. Exactly what “it” is, I'm not 100% sure -- I don't know if it's the general stresses of dealing with the constant requests for money, or the “living in a fishbowl” feeling, or the difficulty of forcing students into doing work they don't want to do, or the futility of trying to build friendships with other teachers that don't eventually result in them coming onto me, or the whole medical school situation. Whatever the source, I shut myself inside, read John Grisham, ate an entire container of Nutella, and only left the house to buy food in town and play board games with the kids.

I hate feeling like this. I hate the voice in my head that says “Nothing you do matters. The people you are trying to help don't want your help, and nobody else gives a shit about what you are trying to do. You have no skills and the schools that could train you don't think you are worth training. You're 25, and awkward, and single, and nobody cares about you. Your life is empty and you are and will always be worthless and alone.”

And I hate only slightly less the other voice in my head, the one that chastises the first one, saying “Look at the people around you. Look at what they have and look at what you have. What do you have to complain about? Why are you so shallow and self-pitying? Being here is the LEAST you can do; shut up, stop feeling sorry for yourself, and get up and get out of the house. And remember that YOU made the decisions that brought you to where you are today.”

I do actually feel a lot better after my few days of relative isolation (aside from the physical discomfort I'm feeling from eating the Nutella, which was not made better by some of the children telling me how “big” I look). So maybe it wasn't so awful that I took a day or two to do nothing at all (though I still feel guilty about it).

I also have a lot to look forward to in the near future. This coming week I get a bit of a breather in the form of no classes, due to a second set of exams (although that will be followed, of course, by a new mountain of papers to grade – and I just finally finished grading the last ones). Thanksgiving is on Thursday and we have a volunteer get-together planned. After that, I suspect the last few weeks of school before the winter break will be very busy, and then of course winter break begins, and I'll be going home to the US for a few weeks.

Anyway, hopefully I'll snap out of this funk sometime soon. I'm doing my best to silence Voice Number One, and take Voice Number Two's advice. Sometimes, as with this weekend, my best isn't really all that successful – but as they say, tomorrow's another day, right?

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